Driving in Ray today, I was browsing my dials and came upon the Phantom music network. They had some sort of afternoon show on, hosted by what sounded like a cross between a cat being knocked down and a flatulent King Charles Spaniel. This person was really happy, almost happy enough for everyone. He was so happy, I wondered whether I as the listener was expected to be as happy. I tried, I failed. He cut to a McCluskey song and I listened thinking that at least it stopped him talking. Then he was back. I was driving a lot faster now. The grip I had on the wheel made my knuckles oddly white and my happy smile was turning scary. The next link was about songs that make you relaxed and he named them and laughed, no, guffawed and nervously chatted to some guy who was probably cool. He guffawed, they guffawed. I tried to join in but I could only emit a high-pitched squeak as the trails of the cars I was hyperdriving by tickled my by now wet cheeks. Another song, by an alternative band I hadn’t heard of and no doubt will never hear again. He came back AGAIN. Now he was talking to some, I can only describe her as a cailin and they chatted. He laughed, she guffawed, I had reached a new dimension I was driving so fast. I may have been in some accidents but my car seemed to be cutting through the planet so fast that there wasn’t time to record my involvement. My forehead was wet with sweat and my wrinkles were lying over my eyes. They wouldn’t shut up but I was transfixed. I tried to text them to tell them to shut up, but I couldn’t keep control of the car. He warbled and crooned and giggled and she went on about her favourite movie of all time, but she couldn’t remember the name of it. They were laughing, laughing. I was screaming. Through city streets I shrieked.
“What’s your favrite song for havin a bath – ha – ha?”
“Oh I don’t know, hahahahahahahahhaha”
“oh yes I see, hahahahahahahahahah, isn’t Michael Stipe so cool? Yeah yeah, hahahahahhahha”
People walking past me jumped when they saw my expression as I tumbled through the Christmas-lit narrow streets. I couldn’t see, I was crying so hard. I pulled hard left into the car park and lost reception. That malignant little fucker’s voice turned to fuzz and I managed to pull my fingers off the steering wheel with my teeth. I turned the radio off, got out of the car and walked through the streets alone with a buzzing in my ear. Every time I saw somebody laughing or smiling, I averted my gaze and walked, walked into the gruesome night!