Adding N to (X) and getting Oh yeah!

Stretch Say Mao!

These people just might anger the Joe Duffy.

These people just might anger the Joe Duffy.

On a recent vacation to a hilly Indian reservation, I discovered two things about myself. One, I am a spiritual man and two, I am not an Indian. I walked through the wooded hills bathed in the blue light that only a beautiful night can bring. I saw faces everywhere, in the trees, in the mountains. Every knot in tree bark looked like it was a face saying, “Hi Stretch, welcome aboard.” Deer peered from behind the thicket to see what I was up to. Raccoons scuttled past with a wink and a nod. An owl spun around on a branch and fell off. This all got me thinking about Add N to (X).

When I first heard “Plug Me In,” I instantly fell in love with the strange entity. The video for the song appealed to me too, as for the first time in my life, soft porn really felt like art. I had never seen that many dildos in a music video. Bom bom bombobom. “I’ve got two machines….doo..doo…dodo.doo.” This isn’t MTUSA, this is raw electronic. I felt voyeuristic watching the flick, like I had stumbled on to something almost vicious. Looking behind me to check and see if someone could see the dark place I had found myself. Eyes agoggle watching the activities involved while this beautiful piece of electronica wills its way into my brain. Realising that the first time I heard the song, the idea of this video seemed impossible. Now everything is possible. When I hear a new song now, the first thing I do is mentally translate it into some kind of porn. Close the curtains, lock the doors!

The video is also the only one I have ever seen that involves the use of flogs as sex toys for lesbians. In fact, I don’t remember ever seeing flogs on screen before. Ah flogs…my friends and I would travel to this lovely little horrible pub sitting on a canal and drink pints of stout and eat really long flogs. Some might think that it was a good way to make yourself sick, and sometimes they’d be right, but fun was had.

My advice to anyone is to get a bit of Add N to (X) in your life as even those Christians living in guilt, cleanliness and bitterness sometimes need to put a cloth over the statue and enter the realms of the down-and-dirtiness, even for a few minutes, although it takes Stretch much longer…Oh yeah!

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