I have Battles in my life

Stretch to win! Dance or die!

Won't be long now

Won't be long now

Whenever I’m feeling low or crimson, I like to think about things in my life which make life, well, survivable. Good wine; Innes & Gunn lager (mmm); a shopping bag floating in the air and landing on Ronan Keating’s head, smothering him, killing him; the crisp December day where the air is clean; the sea; the Fall Guy; Bill Bailey; Baileys; and the Battles anthem “Atlas.”
Press Play for good times.

The drums pound and my mind starts to free itself, emptying out all the badness, emptying out the negativity and well, emptying. The creepy Tyondai Braxton vocals kick in,

“People won’t be people when they hear this sound
That’s been glowing in the dark at the edge of town
People won’t be people, no
The people won’t be people when they hear this sound
Won’t you show me what begins at the edge of town”

and suddenly I’m on a chair pumping my fists in the air to the rhythm of John Stanier’s drumming. budump… budump… budump… budump… budump… budump… budump… budump… budump…kicking my legs out and bashing things in my path, not caring about the commotion I’m causing doing this. The guitar riff flicking in and out and me thrashing around the room scaring the dogs…they didn’t ask for this.

“The singer is a crook, wo-ay-oh

The singer is a crook, wo-ay-oh”

It slows down and I get my breath back, but still shifting in rhythm, like some spasmodic pervert. I think about that DJ from that stupid Phantom place who didn’t like playing this song because he thought it was the most “doom-laden song he had ever heard.”  Fuck you pal, this is my happy song. There’s nothing doom-laden about happy. Stretch happy, Stretch happy..Phantom must die…Phantom must die.

Bass goes bujun…bujun…bujun…bujun..bujun.  Im back up on the chair like some crazed nightclub dancer from the 1980s fiasco that was “The Hitman and Her,” wildly dancing and generally annoying everybody at the dinner party. Kicking over the Potato salad, the chopped-up radishes, the hummus, THE HUMMUS. Nobody stops me, they are scared of me, HA!

“Weeeeeeeelllllllllll……People won’t be people when they hear this sound
That’s been glowing in the dark at the edge of town
People won’t be people, no
The people won’t be people when they hear this sound
Won’t you show me what begins at the edge of town”

And back into the rhythm again, and now people are joining Stretch, people are dancing joyously to this “doom-laden” music. Fucking Phantom. The song drifts to a close and I get off the chair and rhythmically, slower now, move to the press and open another bottle of wine and apologise to my guests for my abhorrent behaviour, but they acknowledge that it needed to be done and we all laugh and wipe the tears from our eyes. Thank you Battles, I am much happier now. I am in a better place and fit as a fucking fiddle too. All’s good, I have Battles in my life. Why don’t you try it? (vid is shortened version, for full seven minute workout, download the tune)

2 thoughts on “I have Battles in my life

  1. Why is it I never react this way when I listen to the music of Mr. Keating? Why do I not lose control of myself and behave as if I’m possessed by a demon, as you have described? Well, since you’ve asked, I’ll tell you. Mr. Keating is a respected performer and an upstanding human, whereas those Battles chaps you refer to are clearly doing the work of the devil.

    I only read this blog because I was expecting some thoughts on the positive things Mr. Keating has contributed to the world of music and the world in general, not some no-doubt drug-fueled ranting about devil music. You need professional help, sir.

  2. I’m sitting here listening to “Don’t Make me wait too long” by Barry White and feelin smoky…Listen Baines, I don’t wanna hear any of your honky talk. Maybe Keating could do with a bit of the devil in him. Surely that’s how he got his record contract in the first place.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s