Who was Countess Báthory anyway?


Not the Mama

Not the Mama

Venom’s ditty “Countess Bathory” used to intrigue me as a sperm-sized Stretch. The Black mettallers from Nucie Brown Ale land were a favourite of mine when listening to the heavy metal show on Tallaght community radio whilst on the exchange programme which finally forced me to grow up here in this land of glue and black flags as opposed to my origins in deepest tropical Somogy, the beach county in Hungary. Go Somogy!

Stretch was never an inquisitive child, so I thought “Countess Bathory” was just a creation inside Kronos’s head. Well, with extensive research (on metalipedia) I discovered the reasons behind these lyrics.

Welcoming the virgins fair, to live a noble life
In the castle known to all – the Count’s infernal wife
She invites the peasants with endless lavish foods
But, when evening spreads its wings, she rapes them of their blood

Ol Elizabeth Báthory was a countess from my very own country of birth and she was a rascal. Over a period of 25 years, while the cat (Ferenc Nádasdy) was away at war she is alleged to have murdered 600 women and burnt out two cars in a serious act of petulance after too much vino. Locals recounted unverified tales of reckless midnight skateboarding on the “lavenders.” Witchcraft was suspected. Warcraft is for nerds.

Living in her self styled Hell, the Countess dressed in black
Life’s so distant – death’s so near – no blood to turn time back
The castle walls are closing in, she’s crippled now with age
Welcomes death with open arms – the reaper turns the page

I caught up with Kronos from Venom and the lady herself backstage at a charity gig in Legends Rock Bar in Newcastle over some insipid looking lager.

Stretch: Hi guys, looking forward to the gig?

Kronos: Very much so, I got my roots done and all, howay.

Báthory: Fred Smith vagyok. (screams) Aaaargghhhhh

Kronos: What Liz is trying to say is that she is really looking forward to using her new Pearl drumkit, with real virgin skins.

Stretch: Are you guys planning a long tour? Loved the last album by the way. (simper, simper)

Báthory: (Standing, with hair on end) Nem értem. Hol van a (legközelebbi) …..
Buszmegálló. Aaarggghhh

Kronos: Liz is planning to do some work with Robert Plant, even though Jimmy keeps leaving nasty messages on her phone. That guy used to be alright. Don’t know what’s got into him. Howay the lads.

Báthory: Sorozo! Sorozo! Sorozo!

Kronos: Vodka and Lime please. And Liz, an umbrella this time please!

Stretch: So, what’s on your rider? And groupies, bet you love the groupies?

Kronos: Rider? hmmm….blood and virgins usually and of course, Newcastle Brown Ale and Walkers crisps. Love the bitches, but we have had some problem with groupies. They get sent to us after the shows, but just like that (waves his hands in the air) they’re gone! I dunno, howay, maybe we’re getting old. Thanks Liz.

Stretch: Thanks guys, it’s been great. So what’s next for Venom?

Báthory: Reggeli!

Kronos: Haha

Stretch: Haha

Kronos: No seriously, we have a gig in Luton with Wolfsbane and then back up to Manchester for a celebration with the Macc Ladds.

Báthory: Twooopintsalagahandapacketacrispssss. Köszönöm, mást nem kérek. Hahahaha

Kronos: Haha

Stretch: Hahahah. Thanks guys!

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