Bang Bang Bang/Don’t confuse Alias with Alias…

Stretch did…

bored the other day…went and got the laptop and plonked it on my Gibbon equivalent of a lap…forgot how small I am and almost crushed me knees…puuhhh.

As part of my musical education, I download a lot of music per month from emusic.com, which is a handy source for all the albums you meant to buy when you were younger but didnae have the money to. Ya ken. So, I downloaded an album from Anticon artist Sole. Good rap with fucked up beats and indicative of the quality that comes from most of the artists on this record label, like Why?, Sage Francis, Alias and Odd Nosdam. I decided to get some Alias stuff as Brendon Whitney’s music is really cool, but I had no albums of his.

Stretch searches for Alias, and due to the laptop incident, is legless. Click here, click there, download…okay…settle back, press play and listen….oh shit..this is what I heard. PRESS PLAY

What the fuck is this? What have I done? This isn’t Alias. Aw shit, this is ALIAS, the 1980s Canadian Whitesnake rip-offs, not the obscure hip-hop artist which I was expecting. Apart from the obvious revulsion I felt, me being only a little smished monkey, I had wasted precious downloads on this muck. I forced myself to watch this video, which is frame-for-frame the same as Whitesnake’s “Is this Love?” In fact, these dripping-on-your-shirt-from-the-big-dirty-bowl-of-primordial-soup bastards are so crass, they make Whitesnake seem like high art. After vomiting a few times from the sheer AORness of it all, I stopped, relaxed myself and then fucked the laptop out of the top floor window of the tower I live in. The laptop flew across the pit, reminiscent of that aerial shot in La Haine, which is an homage to the opening shot in A Touch of Evil. The laptop ironically lodged itself in Freddy Curci’s skull and I laughed and laughed. Well worth the money then. Anyway, here’s the kinda stuff I meant to download. (Basically a man playing an instrument called a table. You could eat yer dinner off it).

Things I learned yesterday: Jah Wobble is a good guy. Richard Murphy isn’t. Eircom’s deal with EMI, Sony, Universal and Warner means that you will now get called up by a rep asking, “Are you happy with your broadband? Would you like to get cheaper calls to the five friends you pretend to have? Isn’t Coldplay’s new album only gorgeous? Wanta downloaded it while we’re on da phone?” Shudddddderrrrr.

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