Amanda Brunker swallows Glenda Gilson in Krystal niteklub tragedy

Stretch out and about, on the town, diving diving

Due to excessive heat in trendy Dubalin hangout, Krystal niteklub, punters endured an evening of being

Bad reaction to fire

Bad reaction to fire

stuck to the floor as their skin melted and congealed around their feet. Local heartthrob Ryan Tubridy burst into flames but escaped his own inferno by excreting a gooey substance which covered him from head to toe, leaving only his teeth exposed to the elements, which provided a unique lightsource.

“This could have been terrible,” said the wretched Tubridy. “Thank god Clinto spat out his mojito. As soon as I heard the mint hit the floor, I realised my shirt collar was getting a bit warm.”

Bystanders laughed, thinking this was some sort of practical joke. Rosanna Davison, top Irish model and Universal Miss, told punters about her tragic birth, where in the words of Nick Cave, she “was cut from her belly with a stanley knife, my daddy did a jig with the drunk nanny.” Jaws dropped, and there was much confusion trying to fit them back onto the right faces, so much so that Glenda Gilson, DastardlyIreland’s answer to malaria, looked surprised.

The whole damn place stopped dead at ten o’clock as Oirish superstar rugby player and oh-so earnest man of the people Brian O’Driscoll arrived with his media-shy actor, writer, columnist, style icon Amy Huberman. He was dressed in what-rugby-players-wear-stuff. She had dropped acid and was now crawling up his leg in characteristically nightmarish Lynch-mode, whispering,

“Do it to me BOD before the floor melts away!”

Haha, we all laughed. There’s Gavin Lambe-Murphy, who is so on top of what’s going on in Dubalin society, you could almost call him a culture vulture except for the fact that vultures pick the rotten meat off carcasses. Oh. Aghast, Gavin realised that the voodoo episode from Starsky and Hutch was now happening to him. The drums got louder. Menacing Haitians looked on grimly. He thrashed about the dancefloor. Each step he took illuminated another floor light in a cross between Michael Jackson’s “Billie Jean” and Ladies-free-in-night at Tamangos. Gav spun round and round until bits of his luxuriant blonde hair fell out. His oh-s0-stylish-cravat got tighter and strangulation began. The bongos kept pounding. His head started splitting. Glenda Gilson looked surprised. His leather cowboy boots split to reveal no socks. NO SOCKS! Nobody thought to change the

dead, just dead

dead, just dead

song. Instead the throng started screaming.

“DISCO! DISCO!”

Gavin screamed back,

“NO! NO!”

The throng confused screamed back,

“NO-O! NO-O!

and just when the song ended and the throng moved back, and Glenda’s eyebrows tried to retreat, Gavin stood exhausted against the bar. Ordering a cosmo, he mopped his brow with a monogrammed handkerchief and replying to a request for his wellbeing…BANG…WAS EATEN By AMANDA FUCKING BRUNKER. Jesus. Unbeknownst to anyone who cared, she had bashed though the taxi door without paying, punched one bouncer (because he thought she was drunk? Her?) and devoured the other. A friend informed Stretch that Brunker ates men, she does, she ates them. Withstupah blood-stained teeth and a face on her like a reinflated flan, she headed for the bar. Glenda Gilson looked surprised.

Lambe-Murphy was in the middle of combing his luxuriant blonde locks, when he yelped, and turned his head to see Amanda Brunker staring at him with the her teeth stuck in his now bloody shoulder. He tried to beat her off, but no muscular development during his life meant he had no chance. She just chomped and chomped away at him until he was merely a cravat with some bone fragment.

With a loud belch, Brunker stomped off to the loo for some nose-candy. Amy Huberman’s eyes were rolling and she now thought that Driclick’s car was trying to murder her. Glenda Gilson stood nearby with her mouth open looking surprised. Rosanna Davison had melted so much that she decided she was going to have to do an all-nighter. Luckily there were a few other rugby players nearby.

The final tragedy of the night occurred outside the nightclub, when Glenda Gilson had discreetly gone outside to sit on the steps. She was quietly vomiting into her Coach handbag and applying lipstick anywhere but her mouth, when she heard a ruckous behind her. Amanda Brunker came roaring down the hall toward the front door. Glenda looked surprised. Brunker flailed about and got caught up in the curtain and finally got outside. She tripped on the top step and with that enormous elephantine mouth wide open, fell on Glenda, swallowing her in one gulp. Glenda Gilson for once was not surprised.

oh, really fucking awful human

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