Stretch’s Scary Halloween Songs No.6: Wanderly Wagon vs Apres Match

Y’see, when we were young, nobody cared and nobody got older…..

Have a look at the beginning of RTÉrlnda’s favourite daytime show for the young and the too weak to walk over and change the channel. This creepy, LSD-inspired lunacy was the diet of 1000s and 1000s of young, god-fearing Catholic children of the 1970s and 80s Irlanda. A time when the youth of Irlanda had the Pope’s hot and clammy hand resting around the centre of their backs. It was time of unemployment, incest and coming close but not close enough to qualifying for major soccer tournaments. It was always dark and the clouds never left the boundaries of the nation. Everybody looked like a member of the Guildford Four and Ronnie Barker ruled the comedy airwaves.

So, apart from their transsexual puppet, RTÉrlanda gave the people a creepy old gypsy and his weird wife, an annoying southside crow and a slightly slow but probably cute dog called Judge and a huge array of characters who all seemed to be just a little sinister. Moral dilemmas and mescaline-fueled rampages were the main themes. A slight undercurrent of the beginnings of a child porn ring lingered in the background and a nagging sensation that one day any of us could be stuffed in to a small trunk in the back of that freaky wagon.

These days the greedy, horrible, rude, capatalistic swine that live, copulate and stain this little shed of a country leer with arrogance at anyone who isn’t as perfick as them. At night, it’s a different story. They close their eyes and sleep with self-satisfaction dreaming of brainstorming and charts that go up and up and up. Their dreams change, and they are young children again, hogtied and with Judge stuffed in their mouths to stop them screaming. They hear him coming, click-clack, click-clack. Terror in their eyes they can’t move. The door opens and there stands Professor Astro…

that was scary but this is just fucking insane!

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