Wake up your family on Christmas morning at 4am. Exclaim something mad and head for the golden flakes of corn. After a good pray and some tea, rush to the sitting room and dive in to those vicious looking prezzies…Be careful…sharp bits. When Jesus was born, his first words were. “I may be Jesus but I’m no Buddha!” That’s right, Jesus, you aren’t. But Jesus of Nazareth, if that is your real name, THIS IS!

Buddha 3: Throbbing Gristle

This is what any person stuck in a horrible Kris Kindle or Secret Santa situation needs as the answer to all their festive shopping problems. Imagine the face of your co-worker or 5-year-old son when they open the shiny paper and see what you or what Santa (kiddies) brought. The fun during Christmas dinner when little Billy cranks up his Buddha machine and forces the family into an impromptu game of “Name that Throbbing Gristle Song.” Here’s what some of our readers thought:

“Magic. I’m all wet now” – Noeleen, Cork

“This is like a joke right.” – Dylan the prick from Foxrock

“Boom boom box go wah-wah” – Seamus Heaney, Derry

“I didn’t give permission for this” – Genesis P. Orridge, USA

“It’s better than what I got last year. Tights, Stretch, tights?” – Mary, Aras an Uachtaran

“I hope everybody remembers that this is the birth of the baby Jesus and not some half-arsed attempt to get Throbbing Gristle to be the Christmas No.1. I’m slightly under pressure at the moment, Stretch. I have to go. Sure I’ll see you at mass. You hang up…no you hang up” – Archbishop Giuseppe Lianza, Apostolic Nuncio to Ireland

What more could you want from Santa?