Stretch Songs of Joy 2009 (third o’treeeeee)

Here I go again on my own!

Going down the only road I’ve ever known!

Like a sister, nuns know how to walk in line!

But I’ve made up my mind!

I ain’t wearing this habit one more time!

Hello everyone or YOU!

I’m still laughing at the falling Pope…that was funny. The Santa brought me alcohol and the Buddha machine. He read my letter. He did. He did! Kids, send by registered post. Works a treat. However, the Santa pointed out that I’ve been a bad little monkey this year. Nothing to do with nuns. I just like the pic.

And it’s true, I have been a bad monkey. I haven’t really been all I could be this year. I’ve been drinking since January and this has affected my ability to construct meaningful mlogs. Next year, every speech I shall give will start out from the brain stem of Debbie Harry, flow through the blood vessels of Gary Barlow, meet at the colon of Mariah Carey, then be catapulted through Morten Harkett’s innards and like the sound of a dog retching be released through Celine Dion’s withered oesophagus into the ether where you, all of you, will say:

“Stretch really has changed..He’s a good monkey after all.”

Until then! Fuck a Nun! Oh yeah!

Nathan Fake – Fentiger

He’s back again. Yes, the man who likes to write music about architectural structures throws out this beast about a misspelled font. It’s his second entry in my SSOJ or sausage for short. Nathan says he’s very happy to be included in my list. “I’m very happy to be included in your list,” said Nathan balefully. Watch out 2010, this is a man on the rise. Expect him to work with Madonna, the Killers and pests Coldplay as he balefully drags their equipment around Europe as a roadie. Christian Balefully. Ha! No, he really is special and should be experienced. Kudos

Sonic Youth – Antenna

Tommy Tiernan described them as “Old people dressed up as teenagers.” The Gandalfesque Sonic Youth made a really good album this year. The Eternal gave back a clarity and consistency to SY fans that hasn’t been heard in a while. I’ve always been a huge Sonic fan, but some of their albums bored the piss outame…Most prolific bands will be hit or miss, but the disappearance of Jim O’Rourke and the arrival of ex/current Pavement bassist Mark Ibold seems to have freed them from the experimental hole they have been languishing in for quite a while now. Some of their more ‘out there’ stuff was really good, but like most people who smoke pot constantly, reality can seem more of a buzz sometimes. Expect the next album to be the sound of chipmunks fed through 200w speakers on the end of a Theremin.

Anti-Pop Consortium – Volcano

Fluorescent Black is the new album. My favourite hipper-hoppers brought out this gem to make me look at people and cross my arms, live my life like Bodie Broadus and deliver lines from The Wire until it annoys people. Not sure I understand the video. Something to do, actually I don’t understand. Do you? There’s a great remix of the song by that Four Tet dude right here. *****CLICKMEBABY****** Might be better than the original, not sure. Both classics…Yo

The XX – Crystalised

Speaking 0f Four Tet, these oh-so-hot-right-now dudees went to the same school as him and other famous unknowns. Anyway, although I avoid bands that make NME journalists cream themselves and others, I kinda like these. There’s a nice feel to them and they probably deserve the hype, unlike the ridiculously overrated Arctic Monkeys. The Monkeys (no relation) are a good band, but it is weird to see them at the top of stupid journalists’ endless top bands/albums of the decade lists. It’s weird. They’re good, but y’know, c’mon, that’s fucked. Makes me angry. Still if The XX still exist in two years, I’ll be amazed. When I’m amazed. my bum goes bright purple and you will all know why.

Fuck Buttons – Flight of the Feathered Serpent

If anyone would like to buy me a nice Gibson geeetar, I would much appreciate it. This last one is pure gold. Two men making noise and forcing your eardrums to co-exist happily with this sonic mind-fuck. The album Tarot Sport was produced by your favourite and mine, Andrew Weatherall. The whole album is exhilarating and worth an enormous listen. Ignore the video. it was made by one of those narcissistic YouTube types who must, I mean must show their art to the planet.

And now, the Pope…

Happy Fucking New Year

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