He saw stirrups and fainted…

Openings to my first novel are hard to figure out..here’s some…Do not steal them or I will evil you!

1. Simon Cowell bled furiously as the sunlight skipped over his face.

Ah the sun on this radiant sunny morning

2. Bang went Lady Gaga as the sun rose with pink plumage on that balmy September day.

3. Nobody knew what a Visigoth was, but Jeremy put us all straight…TO HELL!

4. Nobody knew why McCarrion was dripping with blood, not even his mother.

5. Soulfinger was the baddest honky in the joint. Badder than BAD and twice as BAD as that.

6. Calling Jesus a motherfucker only incensed his holiness as the sun streamed through the stained-glass windows on this crisp Spring morning.

7. Confused as to where he was, why he was naked, the straw, the Bentley, he saw stirrups and fainted.

8. In this darkest time of yore, Beelzebub was the ruler of this world and he intended to fill the hearts of men with the blackest of evil, with plummeting despair and degradation and the need to kill all that was good on this beautiful sunny morning in the middle of the glorious month of May.

9. Frodo died.

10. As Jason dipped his finger in the dish of liquid LSD, he knew he would not be able to return those library books nor babysit his favourite niece Sarah. He was about to be mind-fucked to within an inch of his life and he risked the amorous affections of the visiting Hardy boys, but he thought it was worth it, especially as the sun had risen above his bedroom and was on its way to the other side of the sky. It dropped! Did you see that? It dropped! Did you see that? Did you? Did you see that? Oh my God, that’s insane. That is so trippy. Oh wait, there it is.

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