In the name of the Stretch, the Stretch and holymoly Stretch. Conkers please?
On the 23rd July 2009, a new blasphemy law came into place in Irlanda, prohibiting Irish leprechauns from saying things that might hurt God’s feelings, like “OMG” or the parochial “Jaysus” or the popular “Fistfuck the Virgin Mary, I have never seen a sideline cut like that before.” Other things prohibited include: “Spanish Train” by Nanny-rubber Chris de Burgh; the albums of rock combo Slayer; talking to or
about Sinead O’Connor; claiming that you were abused by the clergy, you delusional child; Soccer; mention of the Devil or Islam or Buddhism or David Icke and finally the popular Irish custom of running up behind a nun, lifting her dress and goosing her.
The woman who instigated this new law was former Miss World and now Minister for Doling Out Justice, Dermot Ahern. A small frumpy woman with an exceptionally large stretched mouth, she jumped up and down on the front bench of the Irlanda Parliament until everybody gave up and said “go ahead, do it, just shut up about it.” Hot-footing it out of the Dail, she put together a cracked team of religious icons and went underground.
Early on July 23rd of last year, out of the tunnels under Merrion Square, four figures appeared in a line outside the Dail: Ahern, wearing a pair of underpants so tight that no sexual thought would ever cross her mind again; Dana, head to toe in burlap; the festering corpse of Archbishop Charles McQuaid, grinning insanely with his finger pointing scarily through his enormous ring; and, finally, whiskey-guzzling Saint of the People Matt “the Lush” Talbot, holding a bottle of Chivas Regal and wiping fresh vomit from his skeletal arm. They looked at each other, grinned, blessed themselves and stormed the building.
to be furthered
Now, read this shit. It happened, it did!
Case Study 1: The story of Picasso, the foulmouthed Ape
No munki has ever been prosecuted for blasphemy in the history of the Irlanda state. However, Picasso the gorilla was forcibly ejected from Dublin Zoo in 1963. Later, in conversations from his 1972 book tour of “Monkey Business and Economic Strategem,” he decided to set the record straight.
Picasso admitted to saying ‘Jesus H. Christ’ every second sentence, blaming it on a schoolchild who used to visit his enclosure. Later evidence revealed that this was actually just the way of the Silverback.
A change in keeper of the apes came around 1962. An eco-disciplinarian, Captain Wilfred Dominico Moses Pope, recently of the French Foreign Legion, took over from slack-jawed alcoholic Billy ‘Drinkies Anyone’ Boop. A Catholic of some zeal, Wilf found Picasso’s misuse of the Lord’s name abhorrent and constantly berated him, threatening him with expulsion from not only the zoo but the city of Dubalin completely.
Things came to a head after a seemingly conciliatory conversation ended up with Picasso telling Wilf that
“Archbishop McQuaid could march on up here in his girly dress and suck on my papal cross.” Outraged, Dominico lost it and disappeared from the ape house and the sniggering Silverback.
Later, Picasso awoke when Wilf grabbed his ear and dragged him to the front gate of Dublin Zoo, kicked him in the arse and with a boiling red face screamed,
“Fuck off back to darkest Africa, heathen!”
“Ask me hole, I’m from fuckin Crumlin yi prick.” muttered the giant ape.