Stretchpants of the Year 2013 Part Three (Ladies will NOT be able to have long showers before they go out on a Saturday night)

Bieber considering change in musical direction not that he's edgy

Bieber considering change in musical direction now that he’s edgy

So the big news was Justin Bieber’s arrest. Apparently he was caught with a combination of marijuana and anti-depressants in his system. It is clear the effect the grass had on the young 19-year old. However, Police say they will wait about three weeks to gauge the effect of the anti-depressants.

So the slowest “best of” ever finally ends. Normally I’m paranoid that peops reading will be fed up, but this munki too is fed up writing this rubbish and is considering shutting down and deleting this malignant site, if only to grow up and wear smart clothes and act smart and have a smart cards, smart phone and develop street smarts.

Obviously I can’t do that though. The alternative is going back to drugs or religion! Or maybe Raybans in darkest winter, a stripey shirt to tuck in to my blue jeans, a sense of entitlement that didn’t exist in 1994, finding Ross O’Carroll Kelly hil-arious, shove my damn fist up my ass and become Leinster rugby supporter.

The muzak mix isn’t going to happen due to solicitors standing outside my front door.

So, quickly to end this once and for all!

the-pixies_1497404c

Pixies: EP1 and Bagboy

I refuse to go see them live, because fuck that. You know they don’t really enjoy being around each other. The Pixies releases last year were not overwhelming and not underwhelming. They were just whelming, but in a good way. These five new songs are pretty much what Pixies do. Joey Santiago’s guitar continues to dig them out of the mire and into something special, something that is missing from Frank Black’s solo efforts. The whole bassist fiasco is typical Pixies. That poor woman. As they said goodbye to her at the airport, she felt happy. “I think I did well. I mean, they seem to like me.” So, she must have been surprised to get home to find a bloody goat head on her doorstep with a note saying, “No more…no more.” She was just too content to be in the Pixies. I saw clips of her and maybe she wasn’t passive-aggressive enough.  Why can’t they just come out and say they don’t particularly like ANY bassists. This is the Pixies main weakness and what will eventually kill the band. That or Joey Santiago.

Most of the new stuff has a very Bossanova vibe to it, albeit with better studio production. Releasing Eps is a good idea for the band. It saves them the knuckle-gnawing agony of album reviews. So they can have their cake and shove it in Charles’s face. With “Bagboy” and “Indy Cindy,” they lazily swim offa Puerto Rican beach and then, bang, a sonic assault. It’s brash, loud and melodic and the scream is back. All in all, not bad. Still not going to see them live ever.

Red+Fang

Red fang: Whales and Leeches

An absolutely brilliant piece of stoner metal, combining elements of Sabbath, Alice in Chains and the groove-laden vibe of Mastodon. These demented looking men from Portlandia (obviously) love drinking beer and that seems to be that. Their singer/bassist is a beer soaked version of Stephen Merchant from the Office and their videos are pleasantly and excruciatingly silly. Still, on Whales and Leeches they have made a rocking (and I don’t usually use that word) album, from “Doen” to the epic “Every little Twist” the songs groove through. They have perfected a classic rock sound clear of overlong guitar solos and ego. A refreshing piece of metal in a world where it is not uncommon to get pissed off at bands that either scream too much or are just senile old fuckers. This video even has Portlandiaman Fred Armisen in the video. This video contains beer.

mastodon

Mastodon: Live at Brixton

Mastodon!! Can’t say much more than MASTODON. For this live mix the vocals are generally bad, drums are okay but the guitars are scorching (I normally don’t use this word). To get the full effect, get the live video, plug the headphones in and sit back and just let those guitars wash over you. Very excited about the new album coming out this year. Very excited. I know it may seem like I have developed a king-sized Mastoboner for these guys, but their guitar solos rattle through my head most days. AND they’re fucking funny! Anyways, we may as well wait til the album comes out, and I will be really, really annoying then.

Newsted-Soldierhead

Newsted: Heavy Metal Music

Having been a member of Metallica, Flotsam and Jetsam, Ozzy Osbourne and Voivod, and then been thrown out of/left Metallica for not being on enough anti-depressants/that Echobrain thing, Jason Newsted has managed to release an album that pretty much sounds like every band he’s been in AND Motorhead, but it’s a good attempt. Yes, he’s always banging on about Metallica, but Dave Mustaine is proof that Ulrich and Hetfield are the biggest mindfuckers on the planet. Even Fleetwood Mac seem normal compared to Metallica. Actually, no, no, no they don’t. Fuck! Lars Ulrich, Lindsay Buckingham, James Hetfield and Stevie Nicks supergroup? Even Charles Manson would go “Whoa Horsey, take it easy!”

andsoiwatchyoufromafar

and so i watch you from afar: All Hail bright Futures

Bewildering, but beautiful. Twiddly guitars and upbeat chants. Slightly annoying, but exhilarating. An exciting live band; the energy doesn’t always come across on albums, but they remain one of the most innovative and unique bands to come out of this island. Somedays I think they are like The Jimmy Cake on speed. Somedays!

Melt Yourself Down, band

Melt Yourself Down: Melt Yourself Down

An album to put on when you are in the midst of a psychotic episode. Take your hands off the knife and boogey. In fact that will be my mantra this year, “Do not kill anything with a knife! Do not kill anything with a knife! Do not kill anything with a knife! Do not kill anything with a knife! Do not kill anything with a knife! Do not kill anything with a knife! Do not kill anything with a knife! Do not kill anything with a knife! Do Boogey! Do Boogey! Do Boogey! Do Boogey! Do Boogey! Do Boogey! Do Boogey! Do Boogey!”

If only the world could understand how right I am, world peace would break out.

Did anyone find that slightly sinister that Groovy Pope Franco’s doves got mangled by a seagull and a crow? Is this part of the Homovaticasexual cabal we keep hearing about?

Imagine. It’s 2014 and I can say silly things about the Vatican, the most powerful army in the world. Yet, certain groups in Ireland would shove a solicitor up my arse if I mentioned them.

Next time you hear from me, I will be discussing why Ireland is the bidet of the world and how we need to reanimate Padraig Pearse and tell him that his mother didn’t actually think he was that good a poet.

Later

Notable mentions (Too fucking lazy to write anymore) :Black Sabbath and the National

An mhaith!

CLICK HERE FOR PART ONE

CLICK HERE FOR PART TWO

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