Cock Lobster

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There is something weird about Colin Farrell and Rachel Weisz sitting in a booth in South-West Dubalin’s finest dining establishment, Joel’s. As a small munki growing up in that pleasant valley of road systems and roundabouts, Joel’s was the place your friend’s family went to have their “out to dinner” experience. Many liked it because under the five slices of turkey, carrots and potatoes would be another potato, a bowl of jelly and ice cream, a flake and an After Eight. Needless to say that when the customer left, their trousers were not held up by any belt or rope, but distended fat that wouldn’t look out-of-place in Gillian McKeith’s fridge.

In The Lobster, a modern-day Logan’s Run for idiots, Colin Farrell gives a phenomenal performance as Fr. Dougal crossed with Moss from The IT Crowd. In fact if you look at some of Farrell’s curious career performances, his character’s lack of intellect seems to be the selling point. Stoopid, camp Alexander, dimwitted Peter Lake in A Winter’s Tale, a bit thick Marty in Seven Psychopaths, deluded Douglas Quaid in Total Recall, gobshite country singer in Crazy Heart, the brain-dead grunge head on him as Syracuse in nobody’s favourite mermaid movie Ondine, likeable but stupid depressive Ray going through stuff in the great In Bruges, mentally challenged Mojito-fiend in Miami Vice, dumb violent criminal in Intermission, brainless guy who could have just wandered off (no one would have blamed him) in Phonebooth and mumbling simpleton in True Detective, to name but a few.

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The first half of the movie is engrossing, leaving you to ignore the forced quirkiness and insanity. However, when the dog is murdered, a spark of inevitability lands on your eyeball, burning a hole into your tired brain. The killing of dogs in movies and TV is everywhere these days. So much so that I had a look at Final Draft software to double-check whether they had added it as a plug-in. Script going nowhere, no problem, go to menu bar: document: insert brutally murdered Spaniel, hit save and there you go; the rest of it writes itself.

Anyway the film sort of fizzles to a weird Joel’s ending. Some good performances, especially by Olivia Colman, Ashley Jensen, Dr Steve Brule and French Actress 1 and 2. Why Dr Steve Brule is in this is beyond me, but he is pleasing. Not so pleasurable is Ben Wishy-Wishaw. I’m trying to figure out is he acting in movies or just wandering on to set and being that guy from school, Ben Wishaw. He always looks like he’s doing something but when you’re finished watching him, you can’t recall a god-damned thing he has done (SeeĀ London Spy). It almost feels like his own mother might suggest he tries taking off the cardigan next time he gets work.

So, basically it’s a film with a hotel, Rachel Weisz’s gigantic skull and a forest of idiots.

Here’s a song from the movie that’s not really in the movie but is.

Restaurant at the end of the world, or the dual carriageway

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