Stretchcast Volume 1: It’s all about Ellen Burstyn’s knees really

Stretch here

Here it be. A mix-tape masquerading as a podcast. Messy? Yes. Incoherent? Yes. Crucial? eh….

Stretchcast Volume 1: It’s all about Ellen Burstyn’s knees really

Intro: Anti Pop Consortium – Tron Man Speaks 1. Flying Lotus – Bad Actors (1983) 2. The Cramps – Wilder wilder, faster, faster (Look Mom No Head) 3. Alan Moorehouse – Expo in Tokyo (Thievery Corporation The Outernational Sound) 4. Thievery Corporation – Sweet Tides (Radio Retaliation) 5. Bongwater – Nick Cave Dolls (The Power of Pussy) 6. Etienne de Crecy – Ecoutez Fumez (Source Lab 1) 7. Hypnotic Brass Ensemble – War (Hypnotic Brass Ensemble) 8. Gonja Sufi – Made (A Sufi and a Killer) 9. Andreya Triana – Lost where I belong.  (Lost Where I Belong Flying Lotus Remix) 10. Anodyne – Corrosion (Corrosion) 11. Boards of Canada – Seven forty seven (Warp 20: Unheard) 12. UNKLE – Natural selection (Where did the night fall) 13. Asian Dub Foundation – Crash (Community Music) 14. Two lone Swordsmen – Get out of my Kingdom (Wrong Meeting)

So until the lawyers come a callin, enjoy. Next episode in December, although it may be a metal thing. Who knows?

It is available to download from Soundcloud or drop me a note and I will sing every song over the phone.Actually, just click on the down arrow to the side and it will download into your heart.

cool…cooler…coolest..coolio?

Sometimes in life, things are just cool. This is one of them.

As Ol Mama Stretch would say, “It’d give you staggers in your head.”

Everyone likes a smart-hearse

Stretch those ligaments ladies!

If Dave Vanian, Captain Sensible, Monty Oxy Moron, Pinch and Stu West had kids, would they be called the children of the Damned?

That’s right ha ha. Spending time with yourself can have a damaging effect on thyselfness. Narcissism is masturbation dressed up as emotion. Emotion is vodka and masturbation while doing dress up.

Things we know:

1. Angels don’t exist, no matter how it keeps a bod from doing the suicide thing

2. Irlanda is a nation of non-revolutionaries

3. All the deBurghs are morons. We don’t need a TV show to tell us that.

4. Hedgehogs are having a particularly bad time of it lately

5. Gaddaffi may be nuts, but Obamaman would want to look around his leetle country before telling everyone else that the world is fucked.

Things we know Not:

1. Esperanto

2. Jesus, Mary and the News

3. The long term effects of laser eye surgery

4. Why I keep getting Bell’s Palsy and spam

and now take me for a drive monsieur


Je suis un Idiot-Savant

Stretch ici!  Ca va?

Interesting that the newspaper of record should describe Rob Halford of Judas Priest “wearing what can only be described as a giant roll of silver cling film.” Y’know or ehm, what else could we call that? TINFOIL!

Interesting also to hear an interview with an up-and-coming Irish band on Phantom FM. The band, excited about the recording process, waxed lyrically about the “ANABOLIC” chamber where the drums were recorded. They said it was a strange room with no “ECHO.” The puzzled presenter could be heard scratching her head, no doubt trying to reactivate a long-dormant brain.

After enduring a week of criticism from all English-speaking friends and realising stretchparis1due to the downturn in the economy that I will not holiday this year, I have decided to have a French month (un mois de francaise), celebrating all that is good about French moosic and thinking of Paris, oh Paris, I miss you like a motherfucker. Fuck You Rosbif!

I have invented a language called Franche, which is what I usually speak to confused locals when I visit Paris.

Adieu. Pour la premiere fois dans ma existence, j’ecriverais dan la langue de la bourgeois batards francaise. Je suis fatigue parce que ma tete est fou. La Government en ce moment est booolsheeet. Monsieurs Sarkozy et Chirac et tes chiens mennntal avons created un grand monstair dans ma soul. J’ai besoin de rock et roll .

Ou are deese belle groups de francaise? Daft Punk, Etienne de Crecy, Chok Rock, Laurent Garnier, Air, Johnny fooking Halliday, Justice, Nouvelle Vague: Over the next mois, I will be tres hereuse to talk about cette musique formidable. Alors Alors!

As a small Stretch dreaming of becoming Alain Delon and marrying Catherine Deneuve, I never realised how hard that would be in a cultureless hole like the one I live in. Over the past few wealthy years, Irlanda has tried to act all special and bourgeois but deep down we are basically scum. The “dogs of Europe” as those Italians call us. Some might find this insulting, but each to his own place. Typically, the Tiger de celtique has made every second woman in the country dye their hair blonde and marry a gimp with a Range Rover. I always wonder, if you own a Range Rover, can you actually look yourself in the mirror in the matin. We (I include myself here) have nicked other countries’ identities instead of developing some of our own. A mass of contradictions. Nous pensons que we are far more important than we are and it’s time things changed. Here’s how. Ici.

Drinking: More drinking. Ignore the allowed amount of units. It’s impossible for an Irish person to get drunk on the entire weekly amount of units anyway.

Hair: Dye your hair red and freckle in the sun. It’s good for you and you will never get lost abroad.

Money: Burn it. Fuck money and fuck the people who think its important. It’s not. No-one ever became happy because of money. Masturbation brings a healthier glow to a human than payday.

Murder: Stop it. It’s just not our way (not everyone’s anyway). When Irlanda was poor there were fuck-all murders. With money every farmer and their genetically fucked up runts seem to feel entitled to walk around carrying shotguns and dribble with evil. Stop it.

Or Murder: Do it but do it properly. Considering how stretched the cops’ resources are in Irlanda, every murderer seems to get caught. Watch video after video of Columbo and you will not fall for dirty detectives’ mind games.

Fitness: Nobody likes somebody who thinks they’re cleverer than everyone else. Just cause you can walk five miles without collapsing will not save you from going to HELL.

Finally, Drugs: Do not, I repeat, do not snort cocaine while having a panic attack!

Anyway, pour la remainder de la mois, I will be indulging in beaucoup de Franchy things. Join me. Buy a baguette, set up yr own Vichy government, drink some absinthe or Beaujolais and smear Brie in your ears, for it’s time to ignore everything I just ordered and act like a pretentious wanker for a while longer!

Also, be warned. During sing-song battles, the French always have one final trick up their sleevies. See below.

Vive la France!