How Dylan Moran won the Masters and Jesus-poking in Augusta, Georgia

Easter is a time when the lawd Jayzeus did die and did come back again and did watch the Masters, a competition where 5,000 white guys and John Shaft get together in the sweaty heat of Klan country to hit a small white (never black) ball around the local sheriff’s back garden.

This year’s coup came when Dubalin comedian, Dylan Moran, literally beat off all competitors (well, not literally) to win the Jacket of Green.

When asked what the hell he was doing there, he moved his hair from one side of his ample head to the other and screeded,

“I did it for Jayzeus, Jayzeus Christ. For he did died and then did come back and did watch the Masters, probably with one hand on a beer and his other two arms hugging this beautiful world…(stops to cry a lot). He means so much to me. Back in Dubalin where I don’t come from the old women of an ancient place called Moore Street would sell those holographic pictures of him. Y’know the ones where you walk past them and the eyes they do move and scare the shit out of you. I bought one and lay in my hammock wide awake unable to sleep because the rocking motion did make his eyes open and close and open and close and open and close….”

Scuffle in crowd. Shouts of wait and no, don’t do that. The lawd Jayzeus shoves his way to the podium where Moran is tearfully repeating the words “open and close.” Jayzeus grabs the mic and with a one of his fifty fingers outstretched screams in a surprisingly girly voice,

“By owning one of those holomographicy thingys, you are breaking copyright law and I will smite you as such. I AM JAYZEUS. I DO NOT BLINK, LIKE VAMPIRES DON’T BREATHE AND SWEDES DON’T BREED, I DO NOT BLINK. Homey, I am Jayzeus. My eyes do not do moisture. Unlike you, BITCH.”

However, as this argument happened, Jayzeus forgot where he was. The room was silent and many folks in the room had awe-stricken looks on their faces. Stupid looks as me ma would call them. For what Jayzeus didn’t realise was that to these hicks, the rapture had just started. Half the crowd grabbed putter and irons and either bashed themselves over the head or shoved the clubs down their necks or up orifices. The dead lay everywhere with smiles on their faces. Jayzeus was overwhelmed by others who tried to grab him. He shot lasers from his eyes and took down most of them.

“Moran, stand behind me and they won’t hurt you!”

“It’s alright Mr Jayzeus, I’m a Catholic. I have immunity to pain.”

“Really?”

“Hmm.”

Jayzeus was about to be overwhelmed when he had a flash of inspiration. He literally flashed, setting off a small thermo-nuclear explosion which obliterated the remaining people in the room. Outside hordes gathered, banging on the windows and doors, screeching and scraping. Jayzeus knew he could kill them all, but thought that may not be wise, so he grabbed Dylan Moran in his arms and said in possibly a slightly gay way,

“Come! I know a place where we can go”

“Gear” Moran enthused.

Jayzeus blinked once and they were gone. Moran looked at Jayzeus, nudged him in the ribs and said,]

“I thought you said you couldn’t blink.”

They both laughed.

C'mon RABBIT

Ideal Christmas Presents for Loved Ones No.5

Wake up your family on Christmas morning at 4am. Exclaim something mad and head for the golden flakes of corn. After a good pray and some tea, rush to the sitting room and dive in to those vicious looking prezzies…Be careful…sharp bits. When Jesus was born, his first words were. “I may be Jesus but I’m no Buddha!” That’s right, Jesus, you aren’t. But Jesus of Nazareth, if that is your real name, THIS IS!

Buddha 3: Throbbing Gristle

This is what any person stuck in a horrible Kris Kindle or Secret Santa situation needs as the answer to all their festive shopping problems. Imagine the face of your co-worker or 5-year-old son when they open the shiny paper and see what you or what Santa (kiddies) brought. The fun during Christmas dinner when little Billy cranks up his Buddha machine and forces the family into an impromptu game of “Name that Throbbing Gristle Song.” Here’s what some of our readers thought:

“Magic. I’m all wet now” – Noeleen, Cork

“This is like a joke right.” – Dylan the prick from Foxrock

“Boom boom box go wah-wah” – Seamus Heaney, Derry

“I didn’t give permission for this” – Genesis P. Orridge, USA

“It’s better than what I got last year. Tights, Stretch, tights?” – Mary, Aras an Uachtaran

“I hope everybody remembers that this is the birth of the baby Jesus and not some half-arsed attempt to get Throbbing Gristle to be the Christmas No.1. I’m slightly under pressure at the moment, Stretch. I have to go. Sure I’ll see you at mass. You hang up…no you hang up” – Archbishop Giuseppe Lianza, Apostolic Nuncio to Ireland

What more could you want from Santa?

Everyone likes a smart-hearse

Stretch those ligaments ladies!

If Dave Vanian, Captain Sensible, Monty Oxy Moron, Pinch and Stu West had kids, would they be called the children of the Damned?

That’s right ha ha. Spending time with yourself can have a damaging effect on thyselfness. Narcissism is masturbation dressed up as emotion. Emotion is vodka and masturbation while doing dress up.

Things we know:

1. Angels don’t exist, no matter how it keeps a bod from doing the suicide thing

2. Irlanda is a nation of non-revolutionaries

3. All the deBurghs are morons. We don’t need a TV show to tell us that.

4. Hedgehogs are having a particularly bad time of it lately

5. Gaddaffi may be nuts, but Obamaman would want to look around his leetle country before telling everyone else that the world is fucked.

Things we know Not:

1. Esperanto

2. Jesus, Mary and the News

3. The long term effects of laser eye surgery

4. Why I keep getting Bell’s Palsy and spam

and now take me for a drive monsieur