Stretch Songs of Joy 2010 parto uno:damnation

Stretch here…again…sick, sick, sick, y’know how sick I am? I’m in bed with me sistah! (Thanks Fast Show)

It hasn’t stop snowing in 14months…This littul munki has been suffering influenza for 6 of those months, the Irlanda Government borrowed all the money on earth and forgot to pay it back. Little Squishy at one year, already has accrued debts thanks to the banky people and if people really think the Rubberbandits are going to cheer up the country, then people are fucked.

Look into my eye! I am not an Ewok!

Anyway, what happened in music this year?…Miley Cyrus researched a duet with Cypress Hill, by taking a hit from a bong, all the while recording it for posterity. Cynically, it ended up on Utub and Daddy Warbucks was disappointed. How disappointed? Well, he took his shiny belt off and our Miley sure knows what that means…Bonio had back problems which stopped him performing at onshore corporate rock site Glastonbury. Disappointed hippies had to make do with Stevie Wonder who slagged off Bonio saying that having no eyes didn’t stop him from performing…In Irlanda, the annual faction fighting festival, Oxegen, caused JowwwwDufeeee to peel his translucent skin off as stories of gang rape, stabbings, genocide, moider, people catching their death, casual racism and Eminem latest moanings were transmitted through the airwaves to the unemployed, the old and ne’erdowells who all got outraged for an hour and a half, then went back to reality…Finally, many Irlanda people lately have lined up to defecate on Gerry Ryan’s grave…the dead radio star’s penchant for coke seems to be more newsworthy than the rape of the Irlanda by men in white shirts. Miley Cyrus be aware!

Shit Robot – Take em up

Marcus Lambkin makes house music that sounds like eighties music which sounds like the future. It’s very cool and the vibe makes Stretch feel like dancing and I is not even at a wedding. At a wedding, the practice of dancing and holding a full pint of Smithwicks is a necessity. Putting the pint over a friend’s shoulder while screaming “New York! New York!” is another necessity. Waking up naked in the shower covered in vomit and flowers is not a necessity, but can happen, just that once.

Unkle – Natural Selection

I like this song…that’s it really. Nah, a band that grabbed my attention when I saw them at Electric Plink Plink. Wasn’t expecting much but got milled with loads more. The song concerns the need to find the “right one for me.” An interesting idea, if it truly exists. She is there, then she’s not, then she is, then she’s not…frankly, it’s probably meaningless. Still, this year Stretch hovered on the brink of utter out and out madness. In 2011, I will replace the word “hover” with the word “teeter,” until one day, I will just stand nearby making smart comments about the stupid brink.

The Fall – Bury! Pts 2&4

A lot of kids around my area seemed to have got prams for Christmas. I hope this is the case, coz a lot of the fat ones ain’t fat no more.The Fall, the Fall, the Fall… At that festival I have mentioned, Mark E.Smith apparently screamed at those Scottish lads, Mumford and Sons…Here’s what the Big E said “”We were playing a festival in Dublin the other week. There was this other group, like, warming up in the next sort of chalet, and they were terrible. I said, ‘Shut them cunts up!’ And they were still warming up, so I threw a bottle at them. The band said, ‘That’s the Sons of Mumford’ or something. ‘They’re number five in charts!’ I just thought they were a load of retarded Irish folk singers.”

Anyway, the Fall gave the best gig of the year at Tripod (according to Stretch taste) and their latest album, Your future Our Clutter is as good as anything they’ve done. Buy it and keep him in fags!

Underworld – Scribble

The award for the happiest song of the year goes to this. It is impossible not to throw your hands up in the air everytime he sings “And it’s okayayay,” unless you are John McCain, coz that’s just not going to happen… A good comeback album and a great gig in Dubalin sees them bringing back the nineties to those of us who haven’t left them yet. I was watching that thing about Live Aid last night and it made me think how awful the second one was… There aren’t enough threats in the world these days to cause Duran Duran albums.

Bonobo – Kiara

Winner of many awards and just the coolest fucker on the planet at any one time, this is the opener to Black Sands which continues Bonobo’s exponential growth. I know it’s an idealistic view, but if more people encourage their kids to listen to Bonobo and turn off the aul Xfactah, then the future will be bright and Simon Cowell will melt. This won’t happen, because there is always another cover version to do.Vote for the right Simon!

Right, that’s the first, more to come eventually, if I can get my shit together. Now, I’m going to see if rum really cures influenza

Stretchcast Volume 1: It’s all about Ellen Burstyn’s knees really

Stretch here

Here it be. A mix-tape masquerading as a podcast. Messy? Yes. Incoherent? Yes. Crucial? eh….

Stretchcast Volume 1: It’s all about Ellen Burstyn’s knees really

Intro: Anti Pop Consortium – Tron Man Speaks 1. Flying Lotus – Bad Actors (1983) 2. The Cramps – Wilder wilder, faster, faster (Look Mom No Head) 3. Alan Moorehouse – Expo in Tokyo (Thievery Corporation The Outernational Sound) 4. Thievery Corporation – Sweet Tides (Radio Retaliation) 5. Bongwater – Nick Cave Dolls (The Power of Pussy) 6. Etienne de Crecy – Ecoutez Fumez (Source Lab 1) 7. Hypnotic Brass Ensemble – War (Hypnotic Brass Ensemble) 8. Gonja Sufi – Made (A Sufi and a Killer) 9. Andreya Triana – Lost where I belong.  (Lost Where I Belong Flying Lotus Remix) 10. Anodyne – Corrosion (Corrosion) 11. Boards of Canada – Seven forty seven (Warp 20: Unheard) 12. UNKLE – Natural selection (Where did the night fall) 13. Asian Dub Foundation – Crash (Community Music) 14. Two lone Swordsmen – Get out of my Kingdom (Wrong Meeting)

So until the lawyers come a callin, enjoy. Next episode in December, although it may be a metal thing. Who knows?

It is available to download from Soundcloud or drop me a note and I will sing every song over the phone.Actually, just click on the down arrow to the side and it will download into your heart.

I don’t wanna be there/Balloon animal hell

Stretch status: Very, very, very tired. Very, very, very blah about everything. Disillusionment is affecting me. People losing their minds around me. Stranger in a strange land. Need an ENORMOUS up…

As that drunken fat pie-man sang, “I’ve been down so goddamn long, that it feels like up to me.” I think it was Lonnie Donegan or Bobby Brown, one of them.

This video (below) is kinda how I feel. Hyperreal. Kudos again to UNKLE for rocking the Electric Arena on Saturday night. Kudos also to the XX for winning that ridiculous Mercury Music Award. They really are a hyped band who are worth the hype. Such cool, horizontal music. Strange ceremony, full of pointlessness. It didn’t help that the camera kept on cutting to that dude from the Villagers who looked like he’d just been abandoned by his folks at Hogwarts. Poor chap.

fly on my sweet angel, Fly on through the sky…

Plink plink

So it’s over. I have a Lemsip drip and an evil case of time loss. Meeting mental people, including one who seemed to be able to garner alcohol and fags off people with his little finger during the Fall. In society, what he did would not be acceptable. Meeting people I work with was full of weirdness… Met one while badly wiped and about to engage in open warfare on two small children; one who while badly wiped and needing to piss badly, so talked at him a three thousand miles an hour, while Dr Ballantine Baines cackled at him and screamed “they’d need a big bloke like you where you work, eh?” Finally breakfasting on Rum on Saturday meant a pretty peculiar conversation with an angel where I may have not, despite my best efforts, put on that sober a face and as I was on my own at the time, may have come across as a colourful tramp or general weirdo. Although sometimes I can be damn convincing, as all of those things… My previous conversation twenty minutes earlier was to try and convince two workers who were selling pork burgers in a forest that they should assassinate their boss. Not the Mama, indeed. Amyway, I’m fucking tired, so I will elaborate later.

So yeah, the Fall, Laurent Garnier, PIL, Jonsi, Bad Lieutenant/New Order, Hypnotic Brass Ensemble, Fight LIke Apes,the Afro Celts, Leftfield all delivered. Suprisingly good gigs by UNKLE (mental gig) and the demented but lovely reggae ska of Al Capone and the Dubcats (more later on that one).

The amazing Bonobo took an empty field and filled it by their third song. He did not have my barbie. Only disappointment for me was Hot Chip, the crowd loved them an all but I just found them annoying, a rare case of something not really sounding right live, but that’s just me.

Here’s friday night action. You can just about see my munki-head up the front at P.I.L. getting bruised but doing evil things to one crowd surfer. He will tell his children one day: one day they will know why Dad’s the way he is.

So, ridiculous amounts of alcohol, one fearful night being attacked by water, just one major regret (the usual) and an incident with my teanga beag which caused me to exercise my gag reflex and others too. Oh man.