Sunday Morning

Yes, the world is doomed, but it’s always been doomed just like the careers of “this year’s new hottest thing.”

Still, there is always a song like this to make you feel like the clouds are still going to move, the Macaques will still play, good and bad things will always happen and the cultural vacuum that is still Bressie acting ‘sound’ for our benefit.
I had egg in a cup today. That’s not a bad start.

aint got nuthin at all

things change…rain falls

48 hours without so much as a rum: oh Danger lurks in the recesses of my fur

Stretch here and not very there lately

"the Picnic" Oh lah-di-fucking-dah

I haven’t heard the clinkle of ice-cubes in two days. Horror movies begin like this right? Too much perspective. A week to that festival and I must conserve my liver. It is imperative that I arrive healthy for damage is inevitable. My trusty aid Dr Ballantine Baines, when not experimenting on leeches or freezing singer-songwriters, drinks enough Pimms to ruin a garden fete. I must prepare. Here goes:

High protein diet

Excercise the munki

get some money for the boyscouts

cheapen the expression “the picnic” so people will stop saying it

learn “A song for Ireland”

torture Jack Whitehall and Russell Howard in the name of Christ

Invoke Satan

Revoke Satan

Give Satan Crosaire puzzles to amuse, while Stretch figure out how to revoke Satan

Learn Scottish

Buy Ché 1 on dvd, but not Ché 2 (due to lack of depth of field)

Mind how you go

Don’t meet yourself coming back in

rest rest rest

Aaargh… am drawn to and repelled by Lou Reed. Is there any hope for this munki? If only he had just disappeared after the Velvets, things would have been awwwwlrite

Is there an id. Id there?

Lost in Music: Alberto y Lost Trios Paranoias

Stretch say No Fly Zone

Sometimes Stretch has the troubles as people from the now Island state of Irlanda call it. His little head swirl with confusion and Jameson. He likes to think he at the controls, but that is not the case. Swirly, swirly, swirly, swirly oh and down the wretched spiral he do go. Once he was up he was up and then he was down down down bam bam and then it affected his littul big dog, Sam!

You might say that, but I couldn't possibly comment

“What’s the matter Stretch?” ask Sam, Big Golden Retriever.

“My head filled with passion and blood and googly things. My stomach lurches all the time and the possibilities of life crash back and forward through my mind. I am here and I am there, but where is that?” I cry.

“May I have a rawhide chew please?” ask Sam, Big Golden Retriever.

“The feeling that something might be right, but it is oh so wrong and the powerlessness to do anything about it causes a build up of intense painium in my cranium.” I say.

“Are you a fag?” ask Sam, Big Golden Retriever.

“Noo!” I scream, a bit too high.

“Would you like to throw me that tennis ball?” ask Sam, Big Golden Retriever.

“You aren’t hearing me. The main issue I’m having is that what I want and what I can have are two different things entirely. You dig?” I question.

“Yes I do. Why don’t you come on over here and scratch my dirty ol ears?” point out Sam, Big Golden Retriever.

“Aaah…You’re fucking with me now. I’m talking about life, love, the whole fucking lubricated stick. The idea that you have one life, so go for what you believe is right. Mistakes are in the past. No regrets. The next decision you make is the most important one you have ever made.” I exclayam.

I am always watching, Michael. I will always be there for you. Michael.

“Truuue. Okay, I gotta do a poo! You’ll pick up, right?” ask Sam, Big Golden Retriever.

Today I bought a t-shirt of a band I recently introduced myself to called Alberto y Lost Trios Paranoias. They are band who lived in the 1970s and had a singer who must have been a defining influence for Russell Brand and singer Nic Offer from !!! considering their shtick. AYLTP parodied many of the acts of the time and seemed to have a fantastic time doing it. A contemporary act would probably be the legendary (here anyway) Warlords of Pez or Limerick’s hip hop geniuses RubberBandits who I was recently introduced to by an Angel descended from a very cold place, kinda like what happened to Jimi Hendrix, kinda. Anyway, I basically fell in love with AYLTP in the space of four vids. Tell me you won’t fall in love with these guys too.

“Buy some Xanax yi moany prick!” advise Sam, Big Golden Retriever.

So, this be taking the piss out of punk…

This be taking the piss out of “Heroin” by the Velvetsy Undergrounds…

This be taking the piss out of Status Quo who are stuck in Moscow or sumthin…

and finally, this be taking the piss out of the stupid Sex Pistols…

Chok Rock to Rock Chok

Stretch say click here!

It's Chok Rock

It's Chok Rock

Give it Up!

Anyway, time travel is really a pointless activity. If you travel back in time, you will be ostracised, be called a witch or warlock and be murrrderrred. If you go forward in time, people will think that you are a complete idiot and murrrderrr you. Leave well enough alone. Pensez-vous?

While eating a choc-ice the other day and listening to “Rock’n’roll” by the Velvet Underground, a thought entered my mind out of nowhere. Ou est Chok Rock?

Not the most well known of groups on planet Franche, but damn good. Only releasing one EP doesn’t count for much these days but the quality in that little release has made them Stretch heroes.  They are/were lead by Gael Baillier and feature well known crooner Camille Bazbaz, which is the name I plan to give little Stretch when he or she pops out. I mean what a great fucking name. You just don’t get names like that here. I bet Jesus would’ve loved that name, might have made him more popular.

These peops played support to “Mr Ballbeam” BEANS a couple of years ago in Eamon Dorans in Dubalin. A really cool gig even though there were only a scattering of people at it. I spent the whole gig with my arm leaning on the bar with a perfect view of proceedings. Only male gibbons dream of this. It was part of a Warp records weekender type event which are all too unfamiliar on these shores these days. On a drunken rampage, we arrived at the door and were given half our money back because fuck all people showed. A warm feeling was created inside me, which I will never repeat, not in company anyway.

Chok Rock came on and just looked cool. A strange combination of characters. Bazbaz was

Chok Rock - Big City Loser

Chok Rock - Big City Loser

wearing an enormous scarf which covered his entire head while guitarist Cyril Kebellian was dressed like an English soccer hooligan. Shit, it really is hard to explain how cool these Parisiens were: electro, indie cool, beaucoup Franchey, a graphic design sensibility and they just seemed to enjoy being Chok Rock.

Say you wandered into a cool hotel in Paris and were having a great night out and your brain was all happy happy and you liked every person you were out with and the drinks you were drinking were hitting the right spot and you wanted to listen to music but not  house or rap or aggresive rock band stuff. You stood there with your enormous white russian and on comes Chok Rock and all you could do was smile to yourself and say, “thank the lord I’m human, a rabbit would never appreciate this shit!” Being cool and feeling cool are two completely different things and it’s best to aim for the latter.

Anyway, I demand you click here and buy the EP (Eur3.99, the price of a pint, though not in Paris), shtick it on yer music device and with the cocktail of your choice and just enjoy 28 minutes of Franche cool. Excuse me if I’m gushing but I gotta do it. This band have to know they are loved and come back….

Speaking of gushing, many years ago a Small Stretch woke up in the middle of the night screaming “The Mexicans are coming, the Mexicans are coming.” Ol Mama Stetch ran in to the room to see what was the cause of the night terrors. When she figured it out, she could never look me in the eye again.


Allo again..

Here are more reasons to avoid mainstream music. May not be for everybody but neither are lotsofthings….like looting and XFactor and drinking Southern Comfort.

6. Various Production – Maskmen

7. Thom Yorke – Skip Divided (Modeselektor mix)

8. Various Production – Wot U Say

9. The Raveonettes – Aly, Walk with me

10. Roots Manuva – Again and Again

This Various Productions song is really infectious. At first, I thought it was a bit y’know, but then I realised it was supremely oh yeah I see. Watch them live on the net. They all dance funny. Also, go to their website where there’s an hour long mix absolutely free.

I was driving home from work one night and this came on. I liked “Eraser” to a certain extent, but the “Skip Divided” remix by Berlin electronic producers Modeselektor (Check out Hello Mom) explores the darkest depths of the original and added a fairly scary soundtrack to my lonely drive home. There’s someone in the back seat, aaargh. They think they can drive better than me!

Okay, another from Various Production. There something a bit Kate Nash or Lily Allen about this, but only if those hags had been brought to a singing coach and given 1000ccs of rhythm, while being injected with the knowledge of the gypsy. Gypsys are such fun,really they are.

I was introduced to the Raveonettes only a few weeks ago and this song has been going round my head ever since. Like a combination of the Velvet Underground and the Jesus and Mary Chain, this Danish band are worth their weight in bacon. Speaking of JAMC, was 2008 the year when Glas Vegas conned the planet? Starting out as a talent show on an Irish language TV station, they quickly ripped off the JAMC sound and their prick of a singer walked around as if he was the first person ever to wear shades. How up yourself can you get? Alternative music is really starting to feel wallpapery.

Roots Manuva has been probably the best hip hop to come out of Britain in a long time. This opener to his latest album Slime and Reason is a mish-mash of styles, hip hop; reggae; calypso; early 1980s test match cricket… A nice Summery sound to warm me up on this cold, cold day.

So that’s pretty much the extent of it. Feel free to disagree, but I guarantee there is at least one song there that someone will like.