Return of the Lotus eater

Things I have found out this week:

1. Work is overrated and long and causes neck pain and back problems that will lead to ol Stretch packing an Uzi with his lunch one of these days. (Probably Thursday)

2. Kate Middleton is as ubiquitous as the insignia for Coca Cola and Heineken, yet tastes rotten in comparison

3. “Livin on a Prayer” chorus makes no sense. Change ‘prayer’ to ‘housing estate’ and the song becomes tangible.

4. I get cravings for the title track of ‘The Fog,” so I had to buy the album, now I need the Dvd. Stupah

6. I have no desire for the new Apple iPhone, happy with what I have. Does this make me a dirty red?

7. Kitchens of Distinction are planning a new album. Fuck sake, are there any new bands? New Fast Automatic Daffodils at least have the decency to stay dead.

8. Mitt Romney is a perfect example of a potential US president, who by getting all his gaffes in early, can manipulate the short term memory of the voters who will think he is kind and someone whose knee they would like to sit on. They will end up on the roof rack.

9. The new Dallas makes the old Dallas look like the Wire.

10. Broadsheet is funny, the commenters on Broadsheet are not.

Until next time, watch out for the fog, you may see Jamie Lee Curtis.

Things may esca-LATE

New moving pictures from Battles. This time featuring Gary Numan. This video, song and recent expeditions would suggest that Gary Numan is cooler now than in the 80s. If ever a popstar could be called a survivor, welll I will not finish the cliche.

Battles will be in Dubalin on November 19th for things…enjoy this and marvel at the moustache

THANK YOU RICHARD DUNNE

Proving anyone can get a deal with Warp records

spill the beans

Beans arriving at the Ploughing Championships fashionably late. Too late...

News has reached my munki ears that Beans has signed for the Anticon label, home to such geniuses as Alias, Baths, Themselves, Why? and Sole. The former Warp records Senor is planning to release an album in Feb 2011. Fans of waving your hands in the air like this rejoice. A hero of my own self, although I’m still trying to get to grips with his last record. It was a bit odd. Seemed to be an apology and then more apologising and then some funky tunes. So, with loads of help including Four Tet, the cold days of February will see this funky munki walk down the street ALL street…like. As I always say, Beans is the only artist to ever give me back half my money because fuck all people turned up to his gig. If I was cool, I would say WORD. But I am not.

Shits on children...mmmhmmm

I just saw a man called Michael Grimm shit all over a ten-year-old’s dreams. It made me sad and happy at the same time, coz her dreams weren’t worth shit.

Speaking of… Emma Bunton of scruffy throwback foursome the Spice Girls, is pregnant again. She claims that she has girlpowerful ovaries and a vicious parental streak in her. She also claims to eat 15 small tins of baked beans every day, which give her girlpowerful wind chills. Reports that her first child’s nanny garotted herself at a birthday party have been viciously denied. She has never met the rapper Beans, but in future will wave her hand in the air like that. Emma Bunton, a burden on us all. Bless her.

And nor forgetting, Finalellllly: pitchfork.com has just announced that another bunch of men or women sporting beards and wearing colourful BO ridden cardigans will release extremely personal but completely vague albums about all the shit they’ve experienced during the 21 years they’ve been hanging around this smelly planet. Each to their own wha?

Maybe I’m getting old, but everytime I see Pete Doherty, I think of how dirty his fingernails are.

People who are appalling this week: Durthy Neil Prendeville; Evil family-man Dave Grohl, for reforming Nirvana including Kurt Cobain; the Garrrrrrdeee who attacked those students, bad Garrrrrrdeee; the students themselves for generally being annoying and bad filmmakers; the students again for acting like we live under an oppressive regime; Stretch for his addiction to haggis, bad munki, bad munki.

Is this what you really are scared of? Wasn’t even the Garrrrddeee from Donegal.

 

Bad Garrrdeeee and Good Garrrrdeeee? Which ones evicted the old woman from her shoe? Not as easy as you think. The old woman was a right bitch. How does the Garrrdeeee deal with such an issue? If you believe it was the Garrrrdeee on the left, turn to page 47. If you believe it was the Garrrrdeee on the right, turn to Exodus 14:7 where you will receive a good talking to.Bad christian, bad. Put it down or we'll bait'ye ye hippy, overfed tossers. Anyone can get a degree. Even me

sunny, so trancey

My favourite hairdresser and yours, David Holmes. A man who provided a soundtrack for my late teens with This Film’s crap…Let’s slash the seats.

Must not publish my most inner thought. (Must eat relentlessly). Here’s Holmes on the rectal tube that is the Culture Show. uTub their Metallica special and watch a presenter headbang in a different field to the rest of the crowd. It’s really weird.

Here’s one of his first releases on Warp records. Still my favourite

Turn up really loud and feel it baby, feel it.

sing bitches

must remain sober… thoughts like clouds… disappearing over the horizon… clouds like Coldplay and that kind of rubbish… clouds are assholes

Normally don’t like thingsys like this but the song is just a classic. Also going to the Grand Canyon next year to get my hole action on…and that’s got the Colorado river running through, on, under it? Right?

and here’s the studio version for people who think that live versions of stuff tend to be overrated